I have started and stopped my 'journey' to a fitter, healthier, happier life multiple times before. I wouldn't say i failed, but my lack of motivation and determination interfered. Recently, I have been struggling with my health, stemming from my mental health which then reflected on my physical health. I thought I would share my story to kill two birds with one stone.... 1. To promote awareness into what having a mental illness is like.... and 2. To show you why I am determined to lead a better life. This may be a bit of a long post, so grab a cup of tea and bury yourself amongst pillows.

Four years ago, in 2011 (my senior year) I got sick with a virus just after term 3 exams. I couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep, and i couldn't go to school. I was nauseous and miserable. After a month or so of my virus not going away, i was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. Most people don't know, that depression and anxiety can actually appear due to a virus or illness. I had environmental factors, such as bullying, no friends, and stress of succeeding that played a hefty part, but the reason I gained a mental illness, was due to the chemicals in my brain being effed after getting sick. It took me from my diagnosis in September 2011, till January 2012, until i slept in my own bed, left the house, and didn't feel nauseous every day. I recovered thanks to medicine, and the love of my family and friends, and i started to live a happy life, albeit sometimes with the anxiety i would now possess.

At the start of July, 2015, i got quite sick. previous weeks beforehand, i had a cold that was typical of June being winter and all. The day after i pulled a 12 hour shift at work, my body started crashing...FAST. I had a gastro bug that knocked me out and i missed out on at least a week of work. Ever since that ordeal my health deteriorated and i was constantly unwell. I remember feeling EXACTLY how i felt four years ago. Nauseous, lethargic, depressed. After two months of feeling nauseous (EVERY GOD DAMN DAY), of missing so much work, catching every bug due to my weak immune system, my doctor (same one who diagnosed me with depression 4 years ago) told me my stomach virus had left my system, but my anxiety was not letting me get better. The chemicals in my brain were running crazy, due to coming off one of my anxiety meds, and my body went into withdraw, which involves nausea, stomach problems, panic attacks etc.

I remember crying every day because I was finding it so difficult to go to work when I felt like i was going to vomit. I would text my partner during the day, whenever i had an anxiety attack, telling him how miserable i felt, and how i don't know how to keep going and keep fighting. This is where i tell you, if you don't like suicidal triggers, shut this page down! I got to the point where even though I would never EVER commit suicide, I felt suicidal in the sense that i was miserable, depressed, and i saw no point to life. I said to my partner, "whats the point? i go to work, come home, sleep repeat...for the rest of my life? When i have kids, what will i do when they grow up and leave, will my life have purpose?" I was in a REALLY dark place, and my thoughts were as black and dark as a tunnel. There was no light at the end, and I remember pulling onto the side of the road, balling my eyes out because while i was driving i thought "how simple would it be to run my car off this road". That was the turning point for me. I didn't want to have these dark thoughts, because I knew I was strong in the sense that I would never go through with these thoughts, but at the same time i was determined to not have these thoughts at all.

Fast forward a month and my nausea was starting to subside thanks to medicine. my doctor put me on nexium for my reflux, which took about 6 weeks until i felt relief, and also upped my anxiety meds to a dose that works for me. 3 weeks ago I had a chat with my boss, that helped me more than any of my psychologist sessions ever have. I was so grateful for everything she said to me, and it was almost as if a light switched at the end of that dark tunnel. She gave me hope.

3 weeks on, I have improved SO much. I am of course, NO WHERE near where i want to be, as it is a slow and steady process...but i feel hope for once, that I will eventually reach a place of happiness and health.

So what's next for me? I have already cut out coke from my diet (it was burning the inside of my stomach and producing way to much acid which caused my reflux to go into overdrive), and I have started to adopt a more positive approach to life and to working. Next step is to introduce exercise back into my life, and make more healthy choices when it comes to what i eat, as well as what i do. I want to enjoy life again, and to be happy. I feel that life is a process and a journey....when we go through a difficult time, we expect to be happy only when we are 100 % recovered. I am about 60 % i would say, and I am happy. I am happy because i know each day that percentage gets a bit higher and closer towards 100 %.

xx