I have started and stopped my 'journey' to a fitter, healthier, happier life multiple times before. I wouldn't say i failed, but my lack of motivation and determination interfered. Recently, I have been struggling with my health, stemming from my mental health which then reflected on my physical health. I thought I would share my story to kill two birds with one stone.... 1. To promote awareness into what having a mental illness is like.... and 2. To show you why I am determined to lead a better life. This may be a bit of a long post, so grab a cup of tea and bury yourself amongst pillows.

Four years ago, in 2011 (my senior year) I got sick with a virus just after term 3 exams. I couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep, and i couldn't go to school. I was nauseous and miserable. After a month or so of my virus not going away, i was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. Most people don't know, that depression and anxiety can actually appear due to a virus or illness. I had environmental factors, such as bullying, no friends, and stress of succeeding that played a hefty part, but the reason I gained a mental illness, was due to the chemicals in my brain being effed after getting sick. It took me from my diagnosis in September 2011, till January 2012, until i slept in my own bed, left the house, and didn't feel nauseous every day. I recovered thanks to medicine, and the love of my family and friends, and i started to live a happy life, albeit sometimes with the anxiety i would now possess.

At the start of July, 2015, i got quite sick. previous weeks beforehand, i had a cold that was typical of June being winter and all. The day after i pulled a 12 hour shift at work, my body started crashing...FAST. I had a gastro bug that knocked me out and i missed out on at least a week of work. Ever since that ordeal my health deteriorated and i was constantly unwell. I remember feeling EXACTLY how i felt four years ago. Nauseous, lethargic, depressed. After two months of feeling nauseous (EVERY GOD DAMN DAY), of missing so much work, catching every bug due to my weak immune system, my doctor (same one who diagnosed me with depression 4 years ago) told me my stomach virus had left my system, but my anxiety was not letting me get better. The chemicals in my brain were running crazy, due to coming off one of my anxiety meds, and my body went into withdraw, which involves nausea, stomach problems, panic attacks etc.

I remember crying every day because I was finding it so difficult to go to work when I felt like i was going to vomit. I would text my partner during the day, whenever i had an anxiety attack, telling him how miserable i felt, and how i don't know how to keep going and keep fighting. This is where i tell you, if you don't like suicidal triggers, shut this page down! I got to the point where even though I would never EVER commit suicide, I felt suicidal in the sense that i was miserable, depressed, and i saw no point to life. I said to my partner, "whats the point? i go to work, come home, sleep repeat...for the rest of my life? When i have kids, what will i do when they grow up and leave, will my life have purpose?" I was in a REALLY dark place, and my thoughts were as black and dark as a tunnel. There was no light at the end, and I remember pulling onto the side of the road, balling my eyes out because while i was driving i thought "how simple would it be to run my car off this road". That was the turning point for me. I didn't want to have these dark thoughts, because I knew I was strong in the sense that I would never go through with these thoughts, but at the same time i was determined to not have these thoughts at all.

Fast forward a month and my nausea was starting to subside thanks to medicine. my doctor put me on nexium for my reflux, which took about 6 weeks until i felt relief, and also upped my anxiety meds to a dose that works for me. 3 weeks ago I had a chat with my boss, that helped me more than any of my psychologist sessions ever have. I was so grateful for everything she said to me, and it was almost as if a light switched at the end of that dark tunnel. She gave me hope.

3 weeks on, I have improved SO much. I am of course, NO WHERE near where i want to be, as it is a slow and steady process...but i feel hope for once, that I will eventually reach a place of happiness and health.

So what's next for me? I have already cut out coke from my diet (it was burning the inside of my stomach and producing way to much acid which caused my reflux to go into overdrive), and I have started to adopt a more positive approach to life and to working. Next step is to introduce exercise back into my life, and make more healthy choices when it comes to what i eat, as well as what i do. I want to enjoy life again, and to be happy. I feel that life is a process and a journey....when we go through a difficult time, we expect to be happy only when we are 100 % recovered. I am about 60 % i would say, and I am happy. I am happy because i know each day that percentage gets a bit higher and closer towards 100 %.

xx

I was writing in my little notebook for ideas of things to write about and post on here. The first thing I thought of was to tell you about who I am. I know that my first post on here was a little 'get-to-know-me' chat, but you don't really know ME and WHY i am going through this 'journey'/lifestyle change.

My earliest memories of my struggle with my body and self-confidence are rooted in my early early years of primary school. I was a tomboy and hung out with all the boys at lunch, so naturally the girls didn't like me. I remember being so self-conscious in the later years of primary school, especially at swimming lessons. No child that young should ever be concerned about their body....you are an infant, and still growing. But i was concerned, because I was always comparing myself to the other girls in my class. Around this same time I went through puberty at a very young age. I was around 10 or so. I grew breasts very quickly, and the awkwardness of having to bleed every god damn month at such a tender age was not something I enjoyed. I remember lying about it to my teachers before swimming lessons, saying i broke my swimmers, instead of saying i couldn't swim due to monthly callings.

High school was not easier. I went through a tormenting 5 years. The first 3 - 4 of high school weren't the best of times. I made friends, fell out of those friendships, made more friends, fell out from those friendships, etc etc. I was blamed for a lot of things that weren't my doing, and i also said things that i regret (i was a teenager...you tell me what teenager doesn't regret something they did when they were younger). I was bullied by a lot of girls in my school, and some people spread nasty rumours which led to me constantly losing friends. Senior year was the utmost worst year of my existence, and I'm not even being melodramatic. At the start of the school year, a certain girl at school and her friend, decided to go around to other girls in my grade and tell them lies of which i supposedly called them nasty things. I came home from TAFE that day to my Facebook being inundated with "you don't deserve to live" and "you b*tch" flooding my inbox. I lost every friend I had and spent the rest of my year in the library at lunch time. When the library was closed I would skip lunch and just spend 30 mins in a toilet cubicle until the bell rang. I'm not saying I was a perfect person during high school (i definitely said some things, and acted in certain ways to gain validation and friends) but the lies that were spread that supposedly came from my mouth, never came from my lips. That year, I was continuously called fat (i was merely 60-70 kg at the time) and i believed them.

After third term finals in August of that year, i remember sitting my last exam and having excruciating stomach pains. I couldn't get on a bus to go home after that due to intense nausea (the world was SPINNING) so i went to my mums work and literally just lied on the floor for so long, because i couldn't stand up, and even lying down i was spinning. I still remember looking at the carpet and examining every speck of fibre for hours, because that's all i could do. From then on, for weeks on end i was in a constant state of nausea...i didn't eat, i didn't sleep and i skipped so much school. I remember lying on the couch every night just watching shitty TV on foxtel, because i was too anxious to sleep, and felt too sick to do anything. I watched the A-Team too many times to count. Doctors claimed I had the Gastro Virus going around, but after a month or so of this constant sickness, my family doctor told me I had severe depression and anxiety. He ordered me to not return to school (in my last term, i think i went to school 3 times (one being graduation). I went on medication, and I continued to struggle with it until new year, when I finally managed to sleep in my own bed. I remember going to my mum and saying "if these meds don't kick in, i don't think i can keep going"....which I feel bad for saying in hind site because i never wanted to put my mum through that kind of worry. But that's the nature of depression.

* IF YOU ARE STILL READING...thank you*

The next few years were a blur, as i was working on coping with my 'mental' illness. I went to University and studied for a full year, and then left that degree to study a new one...i dropped out half way through the semester, then returned for the second semester that year, but again dropped out half way through. I returned to my original degree, and completed half a semester and then *wait for it* i dropped out. I wasted so much money and time trying to force myself that i was meant to be a teacher because everyone told me i would make a great teacher. This caused so much anxiety over the years, but generally i was steady and travelling well with my health. At the start of last year I started getting sick (I've always been unhealthy during my teenage years...i was constantly getting sick). Because my mum suffers from an autoimmune disease, my family doctor tested my blood, and the results came back that i suffer from Hashimotos Disease. It's hard to explain, but I suggest you read up on the disease as it is more common than you think. Symptoms are so widespread, that sometimes this disease can take over your life. Fast forward a few months and i scored myself a full-time job and a traineeship in administration, and life was better than ever. I was happy and my anxiety was under check. Last month I got a bout of food poisoning, and from that my anxiety went form dormant to extremely ridiculously heightened. I have made plans to return to my GP and discuss a mental health plan to talk to someone, so that I can overcome my struggles.

After reading this, hopefully this has given you an insight into why i put on 40 kilos since leaving school, and why I struggle so much with health both physically and mentally.


This isn't a woe-is-me story, rather a story of a girl who refuses to let her past and her diagnosis ruin her life and future. BRING IT ON.

xx