It's the end of my first week of this "healthy journey" and I thought I would create a little snapshot into what went down (inspired by Allys Bubble). It is currently nearly 10 pm on saturday night, and i have 7 men in my lounge room watching a League of Legends World Championship....and then I am waking up in the early hours of the morning to watch the Rugby World Cup Final! (GOOOO AUSTRALIA!). Anyway, carrying on....

Exercise:
On monday I completed the first day of Kayla Itsine's BBG 1.0 pre-training week one. I couldn't get through it all as I wasn't feeling well due to my monthly "visit" making me quite unwell. I then had a big day wednesday so I skipped my wednesday workout, but I managed to squeeze it in on thursday. It was arms and abs AND JESUS can I just say my stomach is still hurting! Like getting out of bed is so painful that I literally have to roll onto the floor. I am going for a walk with my mum tomorrow, so that will make 3 workouts...which is a good start!

Food:
I actually surprised myself this week with how well i did with what i ate. Dinners usually consisted of plenty of veggies and meat. However, EVERY day for lunch I had a salad. We have a cafe at work, and prior to this week i would have like hotdogs, hot chips, pies etc (not in one day obviously). Instead I ordered a sweet chilli chicken salad, with one boiled egg. They make it fresh and it is honestly the tastiest slice of heaven. 

Working on:
Still need to work on my water intake. I swear you will have NEVER met someone as bad at drinking water than me. I am hopeless. I have however still had no coke, and i even cut out my lunch time soft drink. I have been having powerade instead (i know its full of sugar, but until I can force myself to drink water, it will have to do). 

Mental Health:
Surprisingly i am feeling quite happy this week! I think it's because I was a bit more social! On tuesday, Brad took me out on a date, and then on friday, we went out for dinner. Usually I hate doing things during the week, but it felt good to do something instead of coming home, watching tv and then going to bed. My boss has noticed a difference in my personality, which honestly makes me feel like i am improving and i am changing. 

Reading:
I picked up "An Abundance of Katherine's " the other night, but I can't dwell on it too much as I passed out after a couple of pages. I do however really want to start reading this book my mum gave me called 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle.

Loving:
Painting! I am painting everyone some art for christmas presents (managed to get all my canvases and paint for 150 dollars ) and I have been loving how cathartic (is that the right word?) it is. I feel relaxed when its just me, music and my paint brush.  I have also been loving playing around with makeup more. I feel like when I get so focused on my health and fitness, my passion for beauty takes a breather. I really want to make sure I keep multiple passions alive during this journey, as I believe its possible to be both a fitness freak & a beauty lover. 


That is all for this week! I am looking forward to a new week, for new improvements and new goals. x

I have started and stopped my 'journey' to a fitter, healthier, happier life multiple times before. I wouldn't say i failed, but my lack of motivation and determination interfered. Recently, I have been struggling with my health, stemming from my mental health which then reflected on my physical health. I thought I would share my story to kill two birds with one stone.... 1. To promote awareness into what having a mental illness is like.... and 2. To show you why I am determined to lead a better life. This may be a bit of a long post, so grab a cup of tea and bury yourself amongst pillows.

Four years ago, in 2011 (my senior year) I got sick with a virus just after term 3 exams. I couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep, and i couldn't go to school. I was nauseous and miserable. After a month or so of my virus not going away, i was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. Most people don't know, that depression and anxiety can actually appear due to a virus or illness. I had environmental factors, such as bullying, no friends, and stress of succeeding that played a hefty part, but the reason I gained a mental illness, was due to the chemicals in my brain being effed after getting sick. It took me from my diagnosis in September 2011, till January 2012, until i slept in my own bed, left the house, and didn't feel nauseous every day. I recovered thanks to medicine, and the love of my family and friends, and i started to live a happy life, albeit sometimes with the anxiety i would now possess.

At the start of July, 2015, i got quite sick. previous weeks beforehand, i had a cold that was typical of June being winter and all. The day after i pulled a 12 hour shift at work, my body started crashing...FAST. I had a gastro bug that knocked me out and i missed out on at least a week of work. Ever since that ordeal my health deteriorated and i was constantly unwell. I remember feeling EXACTLY how i felt four years ago. Nauseous, lethargic, depressed. After two months of feeling nauseous (EVERY GOD DAMN DAY), of missing so much work, catching every bug due to my weak immune system, my doctor (same one who diagnosed me with depression 4 years ago) told me my stomach virus had left my system, but my anxiety was not letting me get better. The chemicals in my brain were running crazy, due to coming off one of my anxiety meds, and my body went into withdraw, which involves nausea, stomach problems, panic attacks etc.

I remember crying every day because I was finding it so difficult to go to work when I felt like i was going to vomit. I would text my partner during the day, whenever i had an anxiety attack, telling him how miserable i felt, and how i don't know how to keep going and keep fighting. This is where i tell you, if you don't like suicidal triggers, shut this page down! I got to the point where even though I would never EVER commit suicide, I felt suicidal in the sense that i was miserable, depressed, and i saw no point to life. I said to my partner, "whats the point? i go to work, come home, sleep repeat...for the rest of my life? When i have kids, what will i do when they grow up and leave, will my life have purpose?" I was in a REALLY dark place, and my thoughts were as black and dark as a tunnel. There was no light at the end, and I remember pulling onto the side of the road, balling my eyes out because while i was driving i thought "how simple would it be to run my car off this road". That was the turning point for me. I didn't want to have these dark thoughts, because I knew I was strong in the sense that I would never go through with these thoughts, but at the same time i was determined to not have these thoughts at all.

Fast forward a month and my nausea was starting to subside thanks to medicine. my doctor put me on nexium for my reflux, which took about 6 weeks until i felt relief, and also upped my anxiety meds to a dose that works for me. 3 weeks ago I had a chat with my boss, that helped me more than any of my psychologist sessions ever have. I was so grateful for everything she said to me, and it was almost as if a light switched at the end of that dark tunnel. She gave me hope.

3 weeks on, I have improved SO much. I am of course, NO WHERE near where i want to be, as it is a slow and steady process...but i feel hope for once, that I will eventually reach a place of happiness and health.

So what's next for me? I have already cut out coke from my diet (it was burning the inside of my stomach and producing way to much acid which caused my reflux to go into overdrive), and I have started to adopt a more positive approach to life and to working. Next step is to introduce exercise back into my life, and make more healthy choices when it comes to what i eat, as well as what i do. I want to enjoy life again, and to be happy. I feel that life is a process and a journey....when we go through a difficult time, we expect to be happy only when we are 100 % recovered. I am about 60 % i would say, and I am happy. I am happy because i know each day that percentage gets a bit higher and closer towards 100 %.

xx

Can I first start this off by saying....IS IT ALREADY JUNE???? how? Well obviously i know how time works, but this is as if time has been put on fast-forward. Regardless, June is here, which means many many things.